Two years Anniversary.

 Two years ago I was 296 pushing 300 pounds. I lived in this happy yet said place called I aint fat I'm trying to lose weight denial island. I told people I was losing weight but I could see that look of disbelief in their eyes. Soon after the pictures was taken put on social media I knew it had to change, being that one friend who was known for more than what she knew because I heard it, Melissa is cool but her boobs enter the room before she does.No one seen me for me, I was afraid to be myself because the girl inside me didn't reflect the girl everyone seen.

I go I get my thyroid checked out and meds adjusted. I see a nutritoinist. I start to loose weight finally in late march and april. Soon it became a hobby. I was losing weight. I could see my life the way I wanted it to be.People wanted to get to know me for me. Maybe thats a little shallow I shouldnt give to rats ass about what people who didnt see me before I lost weight says, But the thing is I DO!

go around your whole life being the one person who someones has to make an excuse for, Like yeah melissa is fat but blah blah blah. Invisable and unwated unless someone much better was around. But then I lose weight and people want to talk to me, say hi to me acknologe that they know me. I am sorry but it felt great and bad all at the same time. Like am I not worthy of getting to know fat?! am I worthless because all you can take me as is as face value? I felt a change with family and friends. but not with in me.

Now two years later my weight is going back up and I know inches are coming off. muscles are building fat is burning. But All I can think about it that goal I set up for my self that my 27th birthday would be the first time Id ever get to wear a bikini not like skimpy but a nice one or a smaller size tankini. Id be a smaller short size and by the time July came Id look good for fair. but after hearing a doctor tell me my goals are to high. I may never reach that goal, I may have loose skin that weighs me down and I look like fat bastard at the end of gold member.(that one where he lose all the weight and have a turkey neck, He said it looked like a vagina. if I remember correctly)

I see bathing suites online and at the stores and Im just like here is another summer I will miss out because I may never get to that goal.

I had a thought today, Why am I going to the gym? people who go to the gym are looking to lose weight look better, you wont look better melissa you will never see hip bones and you will never hit 146. But I refuse to come to terms with that so I ran, an hour workout. Im planning my meals, got some quest bars.

The doctor says I am doing everything right but my goal is too high. Is it not to have good goals and stay focused? cause thats what ive been set on but now that prize I have set my sights on for so long just seems so unbelieveable. here I am again sad and doubting myself and myself worth and wondering what the point is?!

If I hear muscle weights more than fat one more time I will punch someone. If I hear hang in there it will get better I will pull out all my hair. If I hear how I shouldn't give up ive came too far one more time I will scream.

Its no longer uplifting. I feel like there is something wrong with my body that I cant change. That I am failing as I cut out everything and skip desserts and cheats. If I am doing everything I can how come I am not father then I should be?! isnt this all a science. you burn calories you take in good calories eat the right amount you will lose weight. SO why am I pushing 200 again if I change my workouts and my calories up and doing all the right thing. Why am I not losing weight? can loose skin weight that much? will I ever get there? I feel like This wall keeps gettign higher and I just cant seem to climb it.

Weight loss is hard. its not the working out or eating healthy. I love those things I am never giving that up. But this mental battle I am in, is destorying the fun I was having. I don't enjoy it anymore. But I cant stop. I wont give up. I am losing myself.

Two years I have came so far. but I feel like I am going backwards.

It's Been a while

  It's been a while since I posted on this blog. Sorry bout that. Something that is bothering me, and maybe I am not the only one who feels like this so here it goes.

When I was at the doctor's last week, they took my weight. I was 190 pounds. I wanted to cry and scream, hey I am on my period, its bloat I haven't gained that much weight. And as the nurse puts in my data and records to why I am there for new medication and new blood work to check on my thyroid I just sit there trying not to cry. Then she asks how often I do daily exercise. and I look at her and I go 6 days almost 7 days a week for 45 minutes to an hour. 4 days cardio 3 days weights. And she gives me this look like oh really, so I pull out my phone and I show her the picture of my some 2013 when I was 296 pounds. And I go I have lost weight, I was 175 pounds I have no idea what happened. So the new main focus of my appointment comes to be about my weight gain, and me being OBESE.

The doctor comes in and shes nice and I tell her my fibromyalgia is worse, I cant take this Gabapentin anymore its making the burning nerve pain worse, I feel like my body is on fire. And then shes asks me about my weight. And I tell her its been two years, I have been eating clean and working out, the same stuff I tell the nurse. And she asks how I am gaining? and I am like no idea maybe its the medication maybe my thyroid is out of whack. So she orders blood work. Does some more typing on the computer does a check of my heart and stuff. and switches my fibro meds and puts me on a new anti depressant.

Then I am handed a paper about what went on during the appointment, and it says OBESE on it. patient is working out and eating right but still not losing weight. I feel defeated. I walk out thinking wow all that hard work I have done no one sees.

People will tell me oh you've gained muscle that's all it is. But its actually a 10 pound difference. And while muscle weights more than fat, I know its not muscle. There is nothing else to cut out, or I'll be staving myself. which part of me feels like that is an option. Some people will be like its ok so am I. But its not ok! I'm working so hard to not be labeled Obese anymore. They aren't that fat little girl who has been picked on her whole life or been the ugly fat friend, because its a totally different perspective coming from me. Someone who has spent two years of her life working out, cutting out junk and changing her whole life style around to still be labeled OBESE.

Which makes me wonder if I will ever get to my goal. I stopped setting goals for my self since January because I can't reach them, my weight is all over the place. I'm eating 1350 to 1400 calories a day. I burn 350 to 600 a day depends on what I did to work out. burning calories losing inches but the scale is up and down all over and I have no idea why i am not losing weight anymore. I went from losing 3 to 5 pounds a month to nothing. for the past 2 months. longest plateau ever.

Its so hard mentally to know I worked so hard and have came so far that I am just labeled OBESE. And I see other people lose weight and I'm eating salads and not having any cheats and unhappy cause I gained back three pounds. a gallon and half of water everyday. I am doing everything right and nothing is coming off. its kinda devastating that I am doing everything I can to lose the right way and its no longer working.

It's put me in a bad place mentally. No one really gets it. some people try these new fads and they lose and then they stop it for a while a gain. but I am not on a fad. I am on a new healthy life style and I did it all on my own. I didn't take anything or get surgery. I did it all by myself and I feel less confident and like that word obese is tattooed on my forehead.

I can see all the comments about how I look great and Ive came so far. and I am not looking for those, I'm not even looking for anyone to read this or pay attention to it. I just feel out of place and sad. That I could work this damn hard and still have that word follow me around. The hardest thing I have ever done was stick with something for this long. Yet I feel like Ive mad a huge set back. And I don't understand where it came from, when I have been doing a lot more workouts, harder workouts. going to the gym. which I hate. not straying to far off my meal plans. doing everything right and not seeing any difference. or seeing the scale go down. It is frustrating. I'd give up but I am addicted to working out and I can't eat junk food cause it has just been too long and I cant justified the calories.

I go tomorrow for the blood cause I have to be fasting. and here is to hoping my thyroid is crazy so maybe its not all my fault. It would be different if I knew it was because I had been eating jack in the box everyday or skipping workouts. but I'm not. I don't understand why I haven't reached my goal. Or why its taking so long. I just don't get it.