Live Healthy, Love Fit: My battle with Food.

Live Healthy, Love Fit: My battle with Food.: I stare at my fitness pal and I look at my calories. Stare at them, like they taunt me.Gaining back weight has pushed me in a dark place. ...

My battle with Food.

I stare at my fitness pal and I look at my calories. Stare at them, like they taunt me.Gaining back weight has pushed me in a dark place. Not a place of giving up or that I wont keep trying. God I do not know how many more times I can fucking say that before it gets into peoples head. I AM NOT GIVING UP!!! am I in a dark place because of it yes. I am still at the gym I still am eating right. But here is the thing, I am scared of even the healthy low calorie food. I was going through last years food diary to this years and man I was loosing and eating more and eating tons more carbs. Now I am more balanced and less calories ate and more burned. Saturday I burned 900 calories I ate close to 1700 calories I was still in goal. Today I ate 1500 cause I burned 600 and my goal is usually 1300 without exercises so with it, my calorie def is like 1,900 and after food I still had 400 left. But I feel like I ate too much. I am still learning maybe I did eat to much. Maybe I am no longer eating enough.

But here is my thing I noticed today. I planned out my food and My three meals breakfast, lunch and dinner come to 900 calories and I still had 1000 left and It took a lot for me to eat something. I had an apple and some low calorie popcorn.

My problem is not that I don't eat or don't workout or that I have a bad cheat day. My problem is I took my love for food and turned it into a war. I hate looking at food, It makes me cringe saying that. I hate it. I want to eat it but I hate it. I calculate it, everything is a calorie nothing is for fun. Nothing is a treat, I do not reward myself with food anymore. I do however say if I run this long and this fast I can have an extra few dark caco chips or I can have a sandwich.

I feel like this fitness journey turned into a battle of me VS food. I want to see hip bones, I want to see flat stomach and I want to not look like a puffy person.

So I am in the gym cardio, weights, strength training. every day. counting calories. and seeing no results. and I sit in a bad place going over calories and food.

I think I might need help. But If everyone keeps telling me I am doing the right thing then why do I feel so bad.

is it cause my grandpa makes comments about me being to fat to be seen in public or if I bake a cake my grandpa asks how much of it I will eat.

I just remember how I was treated when I was heavy and I never want to be treated like that again but other people. I never want to be called fat ever again. So I am working so hard to get back down to 170. that's my goal. I just want to hit that. And we can go from there.