I go I get my thyroid checked out and meds adjusted. I see a nutritoinist. I start to loose weight finally in late march and april. Soon it became a hobby. I was losing weight. I could see my life the way I wanted it to be.People wanted to get to know me for me. Maybe thats a little shallow I shouldnt give to rats ass about what people who didnt see me before I lost weight says, But the thing is I DO!
go around your whole life being the one person who someones has to make an excuse for, Like yeah melissa is fat but blah blah blah. Invisable and unwated unless someone much better was around. But then I lose weight and people want to talk to me, say hi to me acknologe that they know me. I am sorry but it felt great and bad all at the same time. Like am I not worthy of getting to know fat?! am I worthless because all you can take me as is as face value? I felt a change with family and friends. but not with in me.
Now two years later my weight is going back up and I know inches are coming off. muscles are building fat is burning. But All I can think about it that goal I set up for my self that my 27th birthday would be the first time Id ever get to wear a bikini not like skimpy but a nice one or a smaller size tankini. Id be a smaller short size and by the time July came Id look good for fair. but after hearing a doctor tell me my goals are to high. I may never reach that goal, I may have loose skin that weighs me down and I look like fat bastard at the end of gold member.(that one where he lose all the weight and have a turkey neck, He said it looked like a vagina. if I remember correctly)
I see bathing suites online and at the stores and Im just like here is another summer I will miss out because I may never get to that goal.
I had a thought today, Why am I going to the gym? people who go to the gym are looking to lose weight look better, you wont look better melissa you will never see hip bones and you will never hit 146. But I refuse to come to terms with that so I ran, an hour workout. Im planning my meals, got some quest bars.
The doctor says I am doing everything right but my goal is too high. Is it not to have good goals and stay focused? cause thats what ive been set on but now that prize I have set my sights on for so long just seems so unbelieveable. here I am again sad and doubting myself and myself worth and wondering what the point is?!
If I hear muscle weights more than fat one more time I will punch someone. If I hear hang in there it will get better I will pull out all my hair. If I hear how I shouldn't give up ive came too far one more time I will scream.
Its no longer uplifting. I feel like there is something wrong with my body that I cant change. That I am failing as I cut out everything and skip desserts and cheats. If I am doing everything I can how come I am not father then I should be?! isnt this all a science. you burn calories you take in good calories eat the right amount you will lose weight. SO why am I pushing 200 again if I change my workouts and my calories up and doing all the right thing. Why am I not losing weight? can loose skin weight that much? will I ever get there? I feel like This wall keeps gettign higher and I just cant seem to climb it.
Weight loss is hard. its not the working out or eating healthy. I love those things I am never giving that up. But this mental battle I am in, is destorying the fun I was having. I don't enjoy it anymore. But I cant stop. I wont give up. I am losing myself.
Two years I have came so far. but I feel like I am going backwards.
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