Body Postivity and the fear it brings

As much as I hate my body as you can tell in the last post, there are few moments where I love my body. Its very hard for me to admit that more then hating myself, cause after being heavy for so long sometimes I feel like I turned my back on "fat Melissa" That I didn't love the old me. As much as I accepted myself or lived in denial about the weight, I always feared that if I loved me that rejection would hurt more, so If I don't like myself its easier for when I get rejected.

Silly to say who cares but in reality don't we all care, sure we should love people for who they are and accept them as who they are, and I do but thats not always the case. People put down others so much that we start to care what people think so we don't get made fun of , that feeling isnt good, being picked on and rejected fucking sucks.

So with weight loss, people want to come up to you more now and comment about your weight. Before people would tell me but not so much to my face. Now people want to tell me new fads and new things to try. Or hey I heard this on Dr. OZ try a new cleanse. First off Dr.Oz isn't a real doctor. and he doesn't even lift. He's like the new Oprah telling people to cut out cows.Or how much green tea will help me. I drink green tea, all it does is make me go pee more often. It helps burn fat if you workout. Nothing will help you over night. So when people tell me this my eyes rolls so far back into my head I cant see for an hour.

There are few things I love about myself, and its hard for me to find things. I treat people with kindness and I try my hardest to be better than I was yesterday. With my body its even less. I mean I lost weight I keep losing weight even if the scale hates me, but I am not happy. But with the things I do love, they are few and they look like this.

 

this is a recent progress photo. This I look at to remind myself how far I have come. The scale says Im 204 today which I think they lie, I honestly don't know how much I weight anymore. which is something I am trying to learn to be ok with.

 

my legs are something I am proud of. You can see baby muscles. which makes me very happy and I flex them a lot. I am leg pressing 210 pounds and my dead lifts and squats are getting stronger. Dead lifts are about 90 pounds squats are 70. I also love my hips.

 

And then my baby bicep muscles which would be easier to see if my loose bat wings were not always hanging around. I am getting stronger which makes me love my body.

All of this is just superficial what I can see in the mirror but when I feel better about who I see I feel better on the inside.  Even right now as I type this I am at war with me who is excited about the transformation and the other me who is like but look at the loose skin you are still fat, you cant even see it. But I told her to shut up today. 

This was my workout today. I did 10 rounds of 10 reps of 70 pound barbell Squats. which is 100 squats. Then deadlifts and then a core and full body workout. which was dumb bell press and dumb bell flys, flutter kicks, planks, sit ups with a 15 pound plate. V-ups with 15 pound plate. By the end I was dying and covered in sweat. Which makes me happy.

My plan for the week.
Sunday-50 minute HIIT
Monday- cardio (40 minute treadmill)
Tuesday- 35 minute HIIT
Wednesday-35 Minute HIIT
Thursday-Cardio
Friday and Saturday 50 minutes on the treadmill.

Meals are going to be salads, having Turkey burger for dinner tonight. Each week I try and switch things up. Just so my body doesn't get use to it.

I am set on my goal and this is all a mess and a struggle and I don't take it lightly. There are good and bad days. I just want more good than bad.

Struggles with weightloss, shit they never tell you.

So this is a little rant post. Over the past few months I have been struggling with triggers, with my depression and social anxiety(general anxiety) and my eating disorder.  My weight is all over the place, Im losing and then gaining, I don't even know whats up probably stress. Maybe its not.

Also I am sick of people coming up to me telling me about fucking green tea and wrapping my body in seaweed and trying some really gross shake or try meals like nutirsystem which once you stop all this shit you can easily gain the weight back. Hello look at Kristie Ally love her but how many times is she going to keep going to jenny before we stop calling her a fitness idol. Also Biggest loser starves people. Look at their diet plans. I work damn hard every day to lose weight, I fight for my life every day to not make the Fibromyglia worse or get fatter. So if you want my help I am sooooo willing to help but you are going to have to put in the god damn work.

I support waist training for people who workout and eat healthy, I support anything as long as you are doing the work and eating healthy. surgery, all by your self, jazzerise. what the fuck ever.

Do 30 minutes of something healthy and active every day. cut out the happy meals, drink more water. Eat fruit and veggie with every meal, protein is not a scary word, eat it. Carbs are fine, fats are fine. everything in moderation. I eat 140 grams of protein and 45-55 grams of fat and 110 to 150 grams of carbs depending on my workouts. its pretty low but I am trying to lose weight. maybe I need more maybe I need less I am still learning what works for my body.

But I hate my body. Hate it. I buy some cute shorts and they dont fit right, my loose skin falls out in places, having to tuck in my stomach is gross. I am disappointed and almost heart broken at my progress because of this.  Which doenst help my feeling of worthless and helpless and I use to over eat till I threw up to make that go away, now I starve myself to make that hunger pain to fill in the holes.

I look in the mirorr and I start to love my quads or my hips, and I can see muscle and then I see this shit.

This makes me hate my body. When I was heavy sure my belly hung out but it wasnt this gross. the amount of fatty deposits all over my legs and butt make me wanna cry. I hate that I cant wear rompers cause my stomach hangs out and I look funny in them. I have to tuck in my stomach and I am stuck wearing baggy clothes because I cant find anything to fit me correctly.

I am not giving up I will work out every day. But this sucks. No one tells you trying to lose 150 pounds comes with this. I knew it would be a hard deal and it would take a while, but I want to cross my arms and not have my loose skin make me look like a line backer. and I wanna wear cute clothes. I want to be one size.

I'm struggling with finding my balance again. I feel like no one can see how hard I am working cause of all this loose skin and its just going to get worse. 

yoga is horrible cause my skin flys. and hangs down low. I hate my body.