Body Postivity and the fear it brings

As much as I hate my body as you can tell in the last post, there are few moments where I love my body. Its very hard for me to admit that more then hating myself, cause after being heavy for so long sometimes I feel like I turned my back on "fat Melissa" That I didn't love the old me. As much as I accepted myself or lived in denial about the weight, I always feared that if I loved me that rejection would hurt more, so If I don't like myself its easier for when I get rejected.

Silly to say who cares but in reality don't we all care, sure we should love people for who they are and accept them as who they are, and I do but thats not always the case. People put down others so much that we start to care what people think so we don't get made fun of , that feeling isnt good, being picked on and rejected fucking sucks.

So with weight loss, people want to come up to you more now and comment about your weight. Before people would tell me but not so much to my face. Now people want to tell me new fads and new things to try. Or hey I heard this on Dr. OZ try a new cleanse. First off Dr.Oz isn't a real doctor. and he doesn't even lift. He's like the new Oprah telling people to cut out cows.Or how much green tea will help me. I drink green tea, all it does is make me go pee more often. It helps burn fat if you workout. Nothing will help you over night. So when people tell me this my eyes rolls so far back into my head I cant see for an hour.

There are few things I love about myself, and its hard for me to find things. I treat people with kindness and I try my hardest to be better than I was yesterday. With my body its even less. I mean I lost weight I keep losing weight even if the scale hates me, but I am not happy. But with the things I do love, they are few and they look like this.

 

this is a recent progress photo. This I look at to remind myself how far I have come. The scale says Im 204 today which I think they lie, I honestly don't know how much I weight anymore. which is something I am trying to learn to be ok with.

 

my legs are something I am proud of. You can see baby muscles. which makes me very happy and I flex them a lot. I am leg pressing 210 pounds and my dead lifts and squats are getting stronger. Dead lifts are about 90 pounds squats are 70. I also love my hips.

 

And then my baby bicep muscles which would be easier to see if my loose bat wings were not always hanging around. I am getting stronger which makes me love my body.

All of this is just superficial what I can see in the mirror but when I feel better about who I see I feel better on the inside.  Even right now as I type this I am at war with me who is excited about the transformation and the other me who is like but look at the loose skin you are still fat, you cant even see it. But I told her to shut up today. 

This was my workout today. I did 10 rounds of 10 reps of 70 pound barbell Squats. which is 100 squats. Then deadlifts and then a core and full body workout. which was dumb bell press and dumb bell flys, flutter kicks, planks, sit ups with a 15 pound plate. V-ups with 15 pound plate. By the end I was dying and covered in sweat. Which makes me happy.

My plan for the week.
Sunday-50 minute HIIT
Monday- cardio (40 minute treadmill)
Tuesday- 35 minute HIIT
Wednesday-35 Minute HIIT
Thursday-Cardio
Friday and Saturday 50 minutes on the treadmill.

Meals are going to be salads, having Turkey burger for dinner tonight. Each week I try and switch things up. Just so my body doesn't get use to it.

I am set on my goal and this is all a mess and a struggle and I don't take it lightly. There are good and bad days. I just want more good than bad.