My Social anxiety...

And why the weight loss didn't make it go away.....

      I have suffered from anxiety since forever, before I even knew what it was and my parents thought the panic attacks were me throwing fits at 13. the deep frantic feeling in you that gets the heart rate up and the twisty and dark cloud of low self-estem and im probably more judgmental of myself then others are of me, why? I don't know. I cant fucking pin point the time. Ive been made fun of since ever. I cant really recall one time I wasn't. I had a few people I even called friends start rumors about me just cause they didn't want to be friends with me anymore, or chased around school, bullied, so my judgment goes straight to that. I am in a room full of people my mind assumes they are all making fun of me. They probably are not, but after that mind set half my life of kids and some adults harrasing me its automatic.

 Then start with being short and over weight forever and trying to lose weight and failing, people thinking when you say you are sick because of my hashimotos or my fibromyalgia or my stomach issues as an excuse or me leaning on it to much and not believing it. adds more to that anxiety and fear, no one believes me, kind of a I'm screaming in a crowed room but no one is hearing me anxiety.

Then about 5 years ago I lose my favortie job, a guy who I thought loved me didn't and started talking shit. losing friends and making my body sicker, pushing me to hide more. Then loosing my grandma, my cheerleader. I hid out from a lot of people, which could be a reason why I am so much better at being alone then around people.

Then I start to lose weight, I start to feel a little better, and people want to talk to me and that scares the shit out of me cause I mean who the fuck are you? Like losing weight I became a little more out going, by little I mean my voice doesn't shake when I talk to people. but it starts to get me thinking people are now judging me on my weight loss, if I gain they notice it. Or I lost three pounds how come no one noticed, oh god I am getting fat again. I feel better, I still feel sick, losing the weight hasnt cleared up my medical issues like fucking magic.

But I take more notice of my self, its harder to pick out clothes cause nothing fits right and I don't want to be made fun of for wearing something. or I still don't do something ive always wanted to do because Im afraid of the backlash that will come from it.

People say oh you lost weight you should have a great self esteem now, like my weight loss was this magical cure for my depression and anxiety. Nope.

Its even worse. I went out and couldn't even dance cause I was having a mini panic attack with people around, I couldn't enjoy it and I feel so bad because I should have. but I cant relax. groups of people more then 3 make me panic. I am the queen of talking myself out of things. It took me three months to actually try and go tanning, I love tanning now but I had never been to this place.

I change my clothes a lot becuase I feel uncomfortable in my new skin. I'm still holding onto all my fat clothes, I have it packed away but have yet to toss it away.

Sometimes I want to talk and say things but when I do I replay those conversations and pick about all of my social interactions. memorizing looks and things that arent even there. I don't even text people sometimes cause I don't want to bother them or Im afraid today is the day they tell me they don't want to be friends with me anymore.

Strangers who mention me buying tons of water and when telling them I buy it to lose weight and I work out having them ask if it works for me, or  people telling me how much better I look now.

So I stick to myself, I get my workouts in cause it helps take an edge off. but I worry that I dont deserve to be at the gym, worry that people are looking at me and going why is she here? Then I get home and I just take in being alone, not commenting on a friends facebook status cause I worry that everything i say will be picked apart or taking the wrong way.

Worrying that I said something wrong is my biggest fault. I regret a lot of my social interactions, cause I don't have any anymore. 

My weight loss, my fitness journey is helped me in some ways, I feel better about shopping even if some times clothes fit me weird, I also come to love different parts of my body. but it has in no way made it easier for me to be around people, its made me more self aware of my surroundings. Talking myself out of things going out with friends who if they would have asked me a while back I would have gone now I just feel this unexplained fear that eats at me till I tell them no. Or I sit off to myself and observe cause its easier this way. Its easy for me to disappear cause that I am use to.

 But Im working on it slowly. trying to find me who I am, and not be scared or have a fear of people, less anxiety more enjoying life. So I ask friends and family who want to push me into things, stop let me find my own way into the world. Don't rush me, or assume Im a jerk cause I didn't talk all night, no quick fix. Just let me figure it out on my own. 

Why I let that little number bother me.

You are more than a number on the scale. Most postive thing to learn about weightloss, weight fluctuates between 3 to 5 pounds any given day, taken in how much carbs how much water you drank, the workouts, or hormones. Scales are also not 100% one can say one number the one at the doctor will say more. So take inches that is what counts and what you feel in clothes.


Here comes why I let the numbers get to me, I know all that is stated above, I know weight wont come off in a big clump, it takes time, and muscle weights more. However having been a number my whole life the new way of thinking is had. To be heavy my whole life, to be told if I weight a certain number I would be pretty,I needed to be this weight to be healthy. So my scale shows a weight gain some days it puts me in a funk.

It's ok to be in a funk in my opinion, its what you do with that funk is the problem. I have been going at this hard for two years, I never once said oh well and over ate, I have under ate and I gave up all my favorite things.Gallon and half water everyday, salads every meal, egg whites, protein shakes, healthy and clean eating, very rare having a cheat meal, following that 80% of the weight loss needs to come from changing my eating, other 10% is working out everyday, cardio, strength, weights. I rest enough during the day at I do at least 30-50 minutes a day to make sure my body has movement. it helps.

So with all that having tinny set backs puts me in this oh god i will never reach my goal weight, because it all boils down to that healthy number, and mine is 146. will i stay there probably not. I am 5'3" Id like to be 130. but 146-155 I am going to be comfortable with. And 6 months ago I was half way there. Which is all my medications fault and my body. I'd like to weight in and not be looked at funny. My healthy comfortable number is different than the next body, cause we are all different. Sorry buttercup but we all have different bodies, just cause one thing works for me, doesn't mean it will for you. Find your own number.


I already have parts of me that I love, but its like telling someone who is striving to win a race that its ok if they never finish, I plan on finishing.I enjoy this fitness journey, I love seeing my weight numbers get heavier, and my run times get down and how some times I see muscles.


So I am going to let that number on the scale drive me crazy, I think its where I get my motivation from. Proving the scale fucking wrong.I might get into a funk over it for a while but it's not me saying I am giving up, its me being upset that all this hard work and there is a block there. Hopefully the medication will help fix my thyroid and I can stop hitting the brick wall.

If you have ever tried really hard to do something but have yet to reach a goal and get frustrated at the journey you are taking but keep going, then that is success. giving up or starting over and over gets you no where.

Doctors and weight gain

I may have mentioned before I have Hashimoto's disease, basically my thyroid is under attack but my anti bodies, causing my body to switch from hyper/hypothyroidism. It is an autoimmune type disease since it attacks a tissue or an organ thinking that the healthy cells are bad. It never goes away, it can get worse and it can get better, you can have flares where one week you are having bad symptoms like break outs and pain and mood swings. With me when my thyroid is low (hypo) I gain weight, my period stops, I have this weird skin break out and my heart flutters a lot kinda like I am constantly running.

Your thyroid is a butter fly shape gland that sits at a low side of your throat, the thyroid hormone controls a lot, like body temperature and metabolism. When its out of whack it can also effect the brain, like brain fog. There are three main test every doctor will check TSH which is released by the brain to regulate thyroid hormone. Too much is hyper and too little is hypo. T4 and T3 are main thyroid hormones, either one that is in a low range or high range can point to other signs. Which would mean you should demand your doctor to test for anti-tpo antibodies which checks to see if the thyroid is under attack. Also getting an ultra sound done to check nodules and swelling is a good start.

When you go to a doctor and they don't listen to you or brush off concerns, get a new doctor. Plain and simple. You are probably like its not, and I get it. I have been seen by so many doctors, but fighting for your own health is not a joke. It took me three years to get my thyroid back on track and it still isn't. Also fighting for them to figure out if I had Fibromyalgia (chronic wide spread muscle and nerve pain , also autoimmune)took so many tests to see that my pain wasn't just made up.

Doctors told me I was morbidly obese and that was my problem. I lost weight, still in pain. Does the weight loss make it better, a little I am no longer sure. But having doctors tell you its the only problem made my life miserable. then having them put me on other medications it was the worst.

So I went back to my mom's doctor, they did the thyroid test, put me on the right medication, I started to lose weight then they actually seen I had other things going on. having to go back to the shitty doctor at the first of the year was hard, fighting for my health was hard, they didnt want to listen . took me as how I looked.

Each person is different. each body is effected by symptoms differently. We are not all the same medically. grouping people together and testing what works is horrible. so when i say try another doctor, I mean try another doctor. You and your health will be the most important thing on this weight loss journey. I tell that to everyone who asks me about how to get healthy. You can do all the clean eating and workouts you want but if your body isn't working, you will give up. Trust me, I did a lot of times.

With that being said, I am up again to 205 pounds. Do I feel it? no because I got to go back to my good doctor who got me, who didn't say eh when I voiced my concerns. We redid tests. My thyroid is out of whack, its low. she had a plan and we upped my medicine. and wants to re check in 5 weeks. She didn't tell me that I have my bar set to high, she told me we will fix it. you have been working hard something isn't right. and it wasn't. to have what I thought was wrong validated helps. I'll see her again in 6 weeks.

Having a doctor in my corner helped cause I wanted to break down but knowing now that I just gotta fight a little more and hope the medicine helps my thyroid get back on track I have a plan. not a disaster of whats next.