My Social anxiety...

And why the weight loss didn't make it go away.....

      I have suffered from anxiety since forever, before I even knew what it was and my parents thought the panic attacks were me throwing fits at 13. the deep frantic feeling in you that gets the heart rate up and the twisty and dark cloud of low self-estem and im probably more judgmental of myself then others are of me, why? I don't know. I cant fucking pin point the time. Ive been made fun of since ever. I cant really recall one time I wasn't. I had a few people I even called friends start rumors about me just cause they didn't want to be friends with me anymore, or chased around school, bullied, so my judgment goes straight to that. I am in a room full of people my mind assumes they are all making fun of me. They probably are not, but after that mind set half my life of kids and some adults harrasing me its automatic.

 Then start with being short and over weight forever and trying to lose weight and failing, people thinking when you say you are sick because of my hashimotos or my fibromyalgia or my stomach issues as an excuse or me leaning on it to much and not believing it. adds more to that anxiety and fear, no one believes me, kind of a I'm screaming in a crowed room but no one is hearing me anxiety.

Then about 5 years ago I lose my favortie job, a guy who I thought loved me didn't and started talking shit. losing friends and making my body sicker, pushing me to hide more. Then loosing my grandma, my cheerleader. I hid out from a lot of people, which could be a reason why I am so much better at being alone then around people.

Then I start to lose weight, I start to feel a little better, and people want to talk to me and that scares the shit out of me cause I mean who the fuck are you? Like losing weight I became a little more out going, by little I mean my voice doesn't shake when I talk to people. but it starts to get me thinking people are now judging me on my weight loss, if I gain they notice it. Or I lost three pounds how come no one noticed, oh god I am getting fat again. I feel better, I still feel sick, losing the weight hasnt cleared up my medical issues like fucking magic.

But I take more notice of my self, its harder to pick out clothes cause nothing fits right and I don't want to be made fun of for wearing something. or I still don't do something ive always wanted to do because Im afraid of the backlash that will come from it.

People say oh you lost weight you should have a great self esteem now, like my weight loss was this magical cure for my depression and anxiety. Nope.

Its even worse. I went out and couldn't even dance cause I was having a mini panic attack with people around, I couldn't enjoy it and I feel so bad because I should have. but I cant relax. groups of people more then 3 make me panic. I am the queen of talking myself out of things. It took me three months to actually try and go tanning, I love tanning now but I had never been to this place.

I change my clothes a lot becuase I feel uncomfortable in my new skin. I'm still holding onto all my fat clothes, I have it packed away but have yet to toss it away.

Sometimes I want to talk and say things but when I do I replay those conversations and pick about all of my social interactions. memorizing looks and things that arent even there. I don't even text people sometimes cause I don't want to bother them or Im afraid today is the day they tell me they don't want to be friends with me anymore.

Strangers who mention me buying tons of water and when telling them I buy it to lose weight and I work out having them ask if it works for me, or  people telling me how much better I look now.

So I stick to myself, I get my workouts in cause it helps take an edge off. but I worry that I dont deserve to be at the gym, worry that people are looking at me and going why is she here? Then I get home and I just take in being alone, not commenting on a friends facebook status cause I worry that everything i say will be picked apart or taking the wrong way.

Worrying that I said something wrong is my biggest fault. I regret a lot of my social interactions, cause I don't have any anymore. 

My weight loss, my fitness journey is helped me in some ways, I feel better about shopping even if some times clothes fit me weird, I also come to love different parts of my body. but it has in no way made it easier for me to be around people, its made me more self aware of my surroundings. Talking myself out of things going out with friends who if they would have asked me a while back I would have gone now I just feel this unexplained fear that eats at me till I tell them no. Or I sit off to myself and observe cause its easier this way. Its easy for me to disappear cause that I am use to.

 But Im working on it slowly. trying to find me who I am, and not be scared or have a fear of people, less anxiety more enjoying life. So I ask friends and family who want to push me into things, stop let me find my own way into the world. Don't rush me, or assume Im a jerk cause I didn't talk all night, no quick fix. Just let me figure it out on my own.