Things I'll never understand.

     

 Things I will never understand ever:

Things that come with losing the weight have been hard, and I will never understand how after almost two years I still am not comfortable with myself. Maybe my self esteem has gone up a little but not much, and just as much as people comment on me being over weight, they comment so much more bout the weight loss. If I hear one more damn time about how I need to eat this and eat that and not this, I will pull my hair out. If I had a quarter for every time someone mentioned what I needed to watch on this road to weight loss I could buy a new car.

 I get so much shit for how I eat, Its almost borderline mental abuse. The well are you sure you wanna eat that much bread? or You look so much better now we can see your face and your body. (this has been said to me more then a handful of times and its gross) and as I have said before and these are my favorite what drugs are you taking? I don't take drugs. Or You shouldnt snack so much, you should eat smaller portions, I heard Dr oz said this it worked great for the lady on tv. Here is a news article they say if you take these pills you could be skinny. You should be like 110 pounds its a good size for a women.

These are things I hear almost everyday from family, friends, strangers. And Im not ashamed of my weightloss, I will tell anyone. Hence why I am writing this out.

people assume I lost 123 pounds they can just say whatever like when I was fat. and that is something I do not get, like I love postive feed back and I love talking bout my weightloss, its my bigest accomplishment. I will listen but there is some out there who says stuff and its not helpful at all. Its hurtfull.

I actually get very sad and depressed when I hear all this. Which does not help my recovery from my eating disorder.

Lets be real here I do suffer from binge eatting and purging and i have bad body image problems. I use to eat and eat I loved that full feeling and then not eating for a while or throwing some of the food up so I could go binge some more, and telling people I felt sick so I could go home and eat more and get sick later. And I lied about my weight to everyone I ever met. I was not fat. I was in denial. I was losing weight cause I bought pants way too big for me and let them be loose. I didnt go out much and I didnt get in pictures very often.

And you know why i hid food because I was tired of hearing about how much I was eating and how fat people thought I was getting. Now its the same thing, how much I am eating and how skinny I am getting and how I dont wanna be fat again. And that damages a person.

I am not as bad as I use to be, Id freak out if I hadn't lost pounds and want to die, I would write fat on my self and then over eat. Its been a year since then. I saw a great therapist. She helped me control my anxiety. Becuase it was stopping me from living and eating.

Now I eat and I am learning more about my body. But I'll never get why people think they can still comment about how I eat. I eat so much better now. Or they can say whatever. It still hurts. Its still body shamming and it should stop.

My body image is getting better, I see were I am losing and I can see changes not always I still do flip out but It hasn't been damaging to myself. Its hard losing weight and over coming being unhealthy.

 You may think my self esteem has gone up but I think its lowered, I still am not sure of my body or myself and hearing all the garbage that is spit out too me is not helping. I think I cover up more now then when I was in denial of being over weight.

You don't know the sturggle of a person, so next time you wanna come at me about me having a healthy version of french toast or a protein style in and out burger, see if you would wanna hear it.

I am still very aware of what I eat, I beat myself up over cheat and I count calories like crazy. I am afraid when I do reach my goal it will be hard to ease up on it, or if I will be this way forever. But thats me and what I need to work on.

On another note, I am working out a 14 day Thanksgiving detox. A low cal low carb type diet to help shed some water weight and feel good when I stuff myself full of pie at the end of the month. I will be posting it on the blog. So follow me. I'm starting it Sunday. so the post will be up Saturday I hope. I have been pretty bad at posting.

I am on Instagram;  melfit1031.


I will post some recipes and things. Like healthy apple crisp and zucchini shrimp pasta. Who knows. I have a few things going on with school. So when I have time. Not that Im sure if anyone is out there lol.