I will never give up the journey

A few weeks ago I was at the doctors and we were going over my thyroid labs, everything was looking good. Woohoo for being on 3 different meds. Had to switch back to the crappy fibromyalgia medicine too. Although that was not what was discussed, the pulling and heavy feeling of the loose skin I have around my middle. I already have enough pain with Fibromyalgia but as of a few months ago my back and hips are hurting like crazy when I run. the middle of my back hurts when I run cause of where the skin fold sits.

So the doctor saw these pictures and did an exam. Sent me a referral to a plastic surgeon. Losing 120 pounds on my own and then gaining muscle has made the saggy skin worse.

A week ago I went to see him. the plastic surgeon, He answered all my questions and seemed pretty optimistic that insurance could cover the excess skin removal. It could be a reason why I have hit a brick wall in the weight loss department, and cause pain.So now I wait. He did mention try and get back to 170. I am 206 right now. I am up 2 pounds. But I am starting a stricter diet and better exercise plan. giving myself 90 days, if by October 1st and I have not seen any results I will be going back to the doctor and asking for a change in medicine or to add a prescribed weight loss pill.

I have been at this for 2 and half years. February is coming up my 3 years, and I am tired of how much I hate myself and my results. I am using up all my options. My body is tired and I will never give up on myself but its hard to look at my self anymore and see how far I have come when I feel like I have failed myself because I am not at my goal weight.

I just want to fit into clothes and I want to feel better about my journey and myself. If saying I am not trying hard enough then you dont see me every day out there running and weight lifting, letting my diet and exercise control my life. Not being able to skip a day because of how bad I feel about myself. Its borderline obsessive.. ok it is no longer borderline. I let it consume me. one cheat day I beat myself up for weeks.

My goal is to get back to 170. to hope insurance helps pays for the surgery and maybe I can get back to living my life. I just want to love myself...

My Social anxiety...

And why the weight loss didn't make it go away.....

      I have suffered from anxiety since forever, before I even knew what it was and my parents thought the panic attacks were me throwing fits at 13. the deep frantic feeling in you that gets the heart rate up and the twisty and dark cloud of low self-estem and im probably more judgmental of myself then others are of me, why? I don't know. I cant fucking pin point the time. Ive been made fun of since ever. I cant really recall one time I wasn't. I had a few people I even called friends start rumors about me just cause they didn't want to be friends with me anymore, or chased around school, bullied, so my judgment goes straight to that. I am in a room full of people my mind assumes they are all making fun of me. They probably are not, but after that mind set half my life of kids and some adults harrasing me its automatic.

 Then start with being short and over weight forever and trying to lose weight and failing, people thinking when you say you are sick because of my hashimotos or my fibromyalgia or my stomach issues as an excuse or me leaning on it to much and not believing it. adds more to that anxiety and fear, no one believes me, kind of a I'm screaming in a crowed room but no one is hearing me anxiety.

Then about 5 years ago I lose my favortie job, a guy who I thought loved me didn't and started talking shit. losing friends and making my body sicker, pushing me to hide more. Then loosing my grandma, my cheerleader. I hid out from a lot of people, which could be a reason why I am so much better at being alone then around people.

Then I start to lose weight, I start to feel a little better, and people want to talk to me and that scares the shit out of me cause I mean who the fuck are you? Like losing weight I became a little more out going, by little I mean my voice doesn't shake when I talk to people. but it starts to get me thinking people are now judging me on my weight loss, if I gain they notice it. Or I lost three pounds how come no one noticed, oh god I am getting fat again. I feel better, I still feel sick, losing the weight hasnt cleared up my medical issues like fucking magic.

But I take more notice of my self, its harder to pick out clothes cause nothing fits right and I don't want to be made fun of for wearing something. or I still don't do something ive always wanted to do because Im afraid of the backlash that will come from it.

People say oh you lost weight you should have a great self esteem now, like my weight loss was this magical cure for my depression and anxiety. Nope.

Its even worse. I went out and couldn't even dance cause I was having a mini panic attack with people around, I couldn't enjoy it and I feel so bad because I should have. but I cant relax. groups of people more then 3 make me panic. I am the queen of talking myself out of things. It took me three months to actually try and go tanning, I love tanning now but I had never been to this place.

I change my clothes a lot becuase I feel uncomfortable in my new skin. I'm still holding onto all my fat clothes, I have it packed away but have yet to toss it away.

Sometimes I want to talk and say things but when I do I replay those conversations and pick about all of my social interactions. memorizing looks and things that arent even there. I don't even text people sometimes cause I don't want to bother them or Im afraid today is the day they tell me they don't want to be friends with me anymore.

Strangers who mention me buying tons of water and when telling them I buy it to lose weight and I work out having them ask if it works for me, or  people telling me how much better I look now.

So I stick to myself, I get my workouts in cause it helps take an edge off. but I worry that I dont deserve to be at the gym, worry that people are looking at me and going why is she here? Then I get home and I just take in being alone, not commenting on a friends facebook status cause I worry that everything i say will be picked apart or taking the wrong way.

Worrying that I said something wrong is my biggest fault. I regret a lot of my social interactions, cause I don't have any anymore. 

My weight loss, my fitness journey is helped me in some ways, I feel better about shopping even if some times clothes fit me weird, I also come to love different parts of my body. but it has in no way made it easier for me to be around people, its made me more self aware of my surroundings. Talking myself out of things going out with friends who if they would have asked me a while back I would have gone now I just feel this unexplained fear that eats at me till I tell them no. Or I sit off to myself and observe cause its easier this way. Its easy for me to disappear cause that I am use to.

 But Im working on it slowly. trying to find me who I am, and not be scared or have a fear of people, less anxiety more enjoying life. So I ask friends and family who want to push me into things, stop let me find my own way into the world. Don't rush me, or assume Im a jerk cause I didn't talk all night, no quick fix. Just let me figure it out on my own. 

Why I let that little number bother me.

You are more than a number on the scale. Most postive thing to learn about weightloss, weight fluctuates between 3 to 5 pounds any given day, taken in how much carbs how much water you drank, the workouts, or hormones. Scales are also not 100% one can say one number the one at the doctor will say more. So take inches that is what counts and what you feel in clothes.


Here comes why I let the numbers get to me, I know all that is stated above, I know weight wont come off in a big clump, it takes time, and muscle weights more. However having been a number my whole life the new way of thinking is had. To be heavy my whole life, to be told if I weight a certain number I would be pretty,I needed to be this weight to be healthy. So my scale shows a weight gain some days it puts me in a funk.

It's ok to be in a funk in my opinion, its what you do with that funk is the problem. I have been going at this hard for two years, I never once said oh well and over ate, I have under ate and I gave up all my favorite things.Gallon and half water everyday, salads every meal, egg whites, protein shakes, healthy and clean eating, very rare having a cheat meal, following that 80% of the weight loss needs to come from changing my eating, other 10% is working out everyday, cardio, strength, weights. I rest enough during the day at I do at least 30-50 minutes a day to make sure my body has movement. it helps.

So with all that having tinny set backs puts me in this oh god i will never reach my goal weight, because it all boils down to that healthy number, and mine is 146. will i stay there probably not. I am 5'3" Id like to be 130. but 146-155 I am going to be comfortable with. And 6 months ago I was half way there. Which is all my medications fault and my body. I'd like to weight in and not be looked at funny. My healthy comfortable number is different than the next body, cause we are all different. Sorry buttercup but we all have different bodies, just cause one thing works for me, doesn't mean it will for you. Find your own number.


I already have parts of me that I love, but its like telling someone who is striving to win a race that its ok if they never finish, I plan on finishing.I enjoy this fitness journey, I love seeing my weight numbers get heavier, and my run times get down and how some times I see muscles.


So I am going to let that number on the scale drive me crazy, I think its where I get my motivation from. Proving the scale fucking wrong.I might get into a funk over it for a while but it's not me saying I am giving up, its me being upset that all this hard work and there is a block there. Hopefully the medication will help fix my thyroid and I can stop hitting the brick wall.

If you have ever tried really hard to do something but have yet to reach a goal and get frustrated at the journey you are taking but keep going, then that is success. giving up or starting over and over gets you no where.

Doctors and weight gain

I may have mentioned before I have Hashimoto's disease, basically my thyroid is under attack but my anti bodies, causing my body to switch from hyper/hypothyroidism. It is an autoimmune type disease since it attacks a tissue or an organ thinking that the healthy cells are bad. It never goes away, it can get worse and it can get better, you can have flares where one week you are having bad symptoms like break outs and pain and mood swings. With me when my thyroid is low (hypo) I gain weight, my period stops, I have this weird skin break out and my heart flutters a lot kinda like I am constantly running.

Your thyroid is a butter fly shape gland that sits at a low side of your throat, the thyroid hormone controls a lot, like body temperature and metabolism. When its out of whack it can also effect the brain, like brain fog. There are three main test every doctor will check TSH which is released by the brain to regulate thyroid hormone. Too much is hyper and too little is hypo. T4 and T3 are main thyroid hormones, either one that is in a low range or high range can point to other signs. Which would mean you should demand your doctor to test for anti-tpo antibodies which checks to see if the thyroid is under attack. Also getting an ultra sound done to check nodules and swelling is a good start.

When you go to a doctor and they don't listen to you or brush off concerns, get a new doctor. Plain and simple. You are probably like its not, and I get it. I have been seen by so many doctors, but fighting for your own health is not a joke. It took me three years to get my thyroid back on track and it still isn't. Also fighting for them to figure out if I had Fibromyalgia (chronic wide spread muscle and nerve pain , also autoimmune)took so many tests to see that my pain wasn't just made up.

Doctors told me I was morbidly obese and that was my problem. I lost weight, still in pain. Does the weight loss make it better, a little I am no longer sure. But having doctors tell you its the only problem made my life miserable. then having them put me on other medications it was the worst.

So I went back to my mom's doctor, they did the thyroid test, put me on the right medication, I started to lose weight then they actually seen I had other things going on. having to go back to the shitty doctor at the first of the year was hard, fighting for my health was hard, they didnt want to listen . took me as how I looked.

Each person is different. each body is effected by symptoms differently. We are not all the same medically. grouping people together and testing what works is horrible. so when i say try another doctor, I mean try another doctor. You and your health will be the most important thing on this weight loss journey. I tell that to everyone who asks me about how to get healthy. You can do all the clean eating and workouts you want but if your body isn't working, you will give up. Trust me, I did a lot of times.

With that being said, I am up again to 205 pounds. Do I feel it? no because I got to go back to my good doctor who got me, who didn't say eh when I voiced my concerns. We redid tests. My thyroid is out of whack, its low. she had a plan and we upped my medicine. and wants to re check in 5 weeks. She didn't tell me that I have my bar set to high, she told me we will fix it. you have been working hard something isn't right. and it wasn't. to have what I thought was wrong validated helps. I'll see her again in 6 weeks.

Having a doctor in my corner helped cause I wanted to break down but knowing now that I just gotta fight a little more and hope the medicine helps my thyroid get back on track I have a plan. not a disaster of whats next.

Body Postivity and the fear it brings

As much as I hate my body as you can tell in the last post, there are few moments where I love my body. Its very hard for me to admit that more then hating myself, cause after being heavy for so long sometimes I feel like I turned my back on "fat Melissa" That I didn't love the old me. As much as I accepted myself or lived in denial about the weight, I always feared that if I loved me that rejection would hurt more, so If I don't like myself its easier for when I get rejected.

Silly to say who cares but in reality don't we all care, sure we should love people for who they are and accept them as who they are, and I do but thats not always the case. People put down others so much that we start to care what people think so we don't get made fun of , that feeling isnt good, being picked on and rejected fucking sucks.

So with weight loss, people want to come up to you more now and comment about your weight. Before people would tell me but not so much to my face. Now people want to tell me new fads and new things to try. Or hey I heard this on Dr. OZ try a new cleanse. First off Dr.Oz isn't a real doctor. and he doesn't even lift. He's like the new Oprah telling people to cut out cows.Or how much green tea will help me. I drink green tea, all it does is make me go pee more often. It helps burn fat if you workout. Nothing will help you over night. So when people tell me this my eyes rolls so far back into my head I cant see for an hour.

There are few things I love about myself, and its hard for me to find things. I treat people with kindness and I try my hardest to be better than I was yesterday. With my body its even less. I mean I lost weight I keep losing weight even if the scale hates me, but I am not happy. But with the things I do love, they are few and they look like this.

 

this is a recent progress photo. This I look at to remind myself how far I have come. The scale says Im 204 today which I think they lie, I honestly don't know how much I weight anymore. which is something I am trying to learn to be ok with.

 

my legs are something I am proud of. You can see baby muscles. which makes me very happy and I flex them a lot. I am leg pressing 210 pounds and my dead lifts and squats are getting stronger. Dead lifts are about 90 pounds squats are 70. I also love my hips.

 

And then my baby bicep muscles which would be easier to see if my loose bat wings were not always hanging around. I am getting stronger which makes me love my body.

All of this is just superficial what I can see in the mirror but when I feel better about who I see I feel better on the inside.  Even right now as I type this I am at war with me who is excited about the transformation and the other me who is like but look at the loose skin you are still fat, you cant even see it. But I told her to shut up today. 

This was my workout today. I did 10 rounds of 10 reps of 70 pound barbell Squats. which is 100 squats. Then deadlifts and then a core and full body workout. which was dumb bell press and dumb bell flys, flutter kicks, planks, sit ups with a 15 pound plate. V-ups with 15 pound plate. By the end I was dying and covered in sweat. Which makes me happy.

My plan for the week.
Sunday-50 minute HIIT
Monday- cardio (40 minute treadmill)
Tuesday- 35 minute HIIT
Wednesday-35 Minute HIIT
Thursday-Cardio
Friday and Saturday 50 minutes on the treadmill.

Meals are going to be salads, having Turkey burger for dinner tonight. Each week I try and switch things up. Just so my body doesn't get use to it.

I am set on my goal and this is all a mess and a struggle and I don't take it lightly. There are good and bad days. I just want more good than bad.

Struggles with weightloss, shit they never tell you.

So this is a little rant post. Over the past few months I have been struggling with triggers, with my depression and social anxiety(general anxiety) and my eating disorder.  My weight is all over the place, Im losing and then gaining, I don't even know whats up probably stress. Maybe its not.

Also I am sick of people coming up to me telling me about fucking green tea and wrapping my body in seaweed and trying some really gross shake or try meals like nutirsystem which once you stop all this shit you can easily gain the weight back. Hello look at Kristie Ally love her but how many times is she going to keep going to jenny before we stop calling her a fitness idol. Also Biggest loser starves people. Look at their diet plans. I work damn hard every day to lose weight, I fight for my life every day to not make the Fibromyglia worse or get fatter. So if you want my help I am sooooo willing to help but you are going to have to put in the god damn work.

I support waist training for people who workout and eat healthy, I support anything as long as you are doing the work and eating healthy. surgery, all by your self, jazzerise. what the fuck ever.

Do 30 minutes of something healthy and active every day. cut out the happy meals, drink more water. Eat fruit and veggie with every meal, protein is not a scary word, eat it. Carbs are fine, fats are fine. everything in moderation. I eat 140 grams of protein and 45-55 grams of fat and 110 to 150 grams of carbs depending on my workouts. its pretty low but I am trying to lose weight. maybe I need more maybe I need less I am still learning what works for my body.

But I hate my body. Hate it. I buy some cute shorts and they dont fit right, my loose skin falls out in places, having to tuck in my stomach is gross. I am disappointed and almost heart broken at my progress because of this.  Which doenst help my feeling of worthless and helpless and I use to over eat till I threw up to make that go away, now I starve myself to make that hunger pain to fill in the holes.

I look in the mirorr and I start to love my quads or my hips, and I can see muscle and then I see this shit.

This makes me hate my body. When I was heavy sure my belly hung out but it wasnt this gross. the amount of fatty deposits all over my legs and butt make me wanna cry. I hate that I cant wear rompers cause my stomach hangs out and I look funny in them. I have to tuck in my stomach and I am stuck wearing baggy clothes because I cant find anything to fit me correctly.

I am not giving up I will work out every day. But this sucks. No one tells you trying to lose 150 pounds comes with this. I knew it would be a hard deal and it would take a while, but I want to cross my arms and not have my loose skin make me look like a line backer. and I wanna wear cute clothes. I want to be one size.

I'm struggling with finding my balance again. I feel like no one can see how hard I am working cause of all this loose skin and its just going to get worse. 

yoga is horrible cause my skin flys. and hangs down low. I hate my body.

Live Healthy, Love Fit: My battle with Food.

Live Healthy, Love Fit: My battle with Food.: I stare at my fitness pal and I look at my calories. Stare at them, like they taunt me.Gaining back weight has pushed me in a dark place. ...

My battle with Food.

I stare at my fitness pal and I look at my calories. Stare at them, like they taunt me.Gaining back weight has pushed me in a dark place. Not a place of giving up or that I wont keep trying. God I do not know how many more times I can fucking say that before it gets into peoples head. I AM NOT GIVING UP!!! am I in a dark place because of it yes. I am still at the gym I still am eating right. But here is the thing, I am scared of even the healthy low calorie food. I was going through last years food diary to this years and man I was loosing and eating more and eating tons more carbs. Now I am more balanced and less calories ate and more burned. Saturday I burned 900 calories I ate close to 1700 calories I was still in goal. Today I ate 1500 cause I burned 600 and my goal is usually 1300 without exercises so with it, my calorie def is like 1,900 and after food I still had 400 left. But I feel like I ate too much. I am still learning maybe I did eat to much. Maybe I am no longer eating enough.

But here is my thing I noticed today. I planned out my food and My three meals breakfast, lunch and dinner come to 900 calories and I still had 1000 left and It took a lot for me to eat something. I had an apple and some low calorie popcorn.

My problem is not that I don't eat or don't workout or that I have a bad cheat day. My problem is I took my love for food and turned it into a war. I hate looking at food, It makes me cringe saying that. I hate it. I want to eat it but I hate it. I calculate it, everything is a calorie nothing is for fun. Nothing is a treat, I do not reward myself with food anymore. I do however say if I run this long and this fast I can have an extra few dark caco chips or I can have a sandwich.

I feel like this fitness journey turned into a battle of me VS food. I want to see hip bones, I want to see flat stomach and I want to not look like a puffy person.

So I am in the gym cardio, weights, strength training. every day. counting calories. and seeing no results. and I sit in a bad place going over calories and food.

I think I might need help. But If everyone keeps telling me I am doing the right thing then why do I feel so bad.

is it cause my grandpa makes comments about me being to fat to be seen in public or if I bake a cake my grandpa asks how much of it I will eat.

I just remember how I was treated when I was heavy and I never want to be treated like that again but other people. I never want to be called fat ever again. So I am working so hard to get back down to 170. that's my goal. I just want to hit that. And we can go from there.

Two years Anniversary.

 Two years ago I was 296 pushing 300 pounds. I lived in this happy yet said place called I aint fat I'm trying to lose weight denial island. I told people I was losing weight but I could see that look of disbelief in their eyes. Soon after the pictures was taken put on social media I knew it had to change, being that one friend who was known for more than what she knew because I heard it, Melissa is cool but her boobs enter the room before she does.No one seen me for me, I was afraid to be myself because the girl inside me didn't reflect the girl everyone seen.

I go I get my thyroid checked out and meds adjusted. I see a nutritoinist. I start to loose weight finally in late march and april. Soon it became a hobby. I was losing weight. I could see my life the way I wanted it to be.People wanted to get to know me for me. Maybe thats a little shallow I shouldnt give to rats ass about what people who didnt see me before I lost weight says, But the thing is I DO!

go around your whole life being the one person who someones has to make an excuse for, Like yeah melissa is fat but blah blah blah. Invisable and unwated unless someone much better was around. But then I lose weight and people want to talk to me, say hi to me acknologe that they know me. I am sorry but it felt great and bad all at the same time. Like am I not worthy of getting to know fat?! am I worthless because all you can take me as is as face value? I felt a change with family and friends. but not with in me.

Now two years later my weight is going back up and I know inches are coming off. muscles are building fat is burning. But All I can think about it that goal I set up for my self that my 27th birthday would be the first time Id ever get to wear a bikini not like skimpy but a nice one or a smaller size tankini. Id be a smaller short size and by the time July came Id look good for fair. but after hearing a doctor tell me my goals are to high. I may never reach that goal, I may have loose skin that weighs me down and I look like fat bastard at the end of gold member.(that one where he lose all the weight and have a turkey neck, He said it looked like a vagina. if I remember correctly)

I see bathing suites online and at the stores and Im just like here is another summer I will miss out because I may never get to that goal.

I had a thought today, Why am I going to the gym? people who go to the gym are looking to lose weight look better, you wont look better melissa you will never see hip bones and you will never hit 146. But I refuse to come to terms with that so I ran, an hour workout. Im planning my meals, got some quest bars.

The doctor says I am doing everything right but my goal is too high. Is it not to have good goals and stay focused? cause thats what ive been set on but now that prize I have set my sights on for so long just seems so unbelieveable. here I am again sad and doubting myself and myself worth and wondering what the point is?!

If I hear muscle weights more than fat one more time I will punch someone. If I hear hang in there it will get better I will pull out all my hair. If I hear how I shouldn't give up ive came too far one more time I will scream.

Its no longer uplifting. I feel like there is something wrong with my body that I cant change. That I am failing as I cut out everything and skip desserts and cheats. If I am doing everything I can how come I am not father then I should be?! isnt this all a science. you burn calories you take in good calories eat the right amount you will lose weight. SO why am I pushing 200 again if I change my workouts and my calories up and doing all the right thing. Why am I not losing weight? can loose skin weight that much? will I ever get there? I feel like This wall keeps gettign higher and I just cant seem to climb it.

Weight loss is hard. its not the working out or eating healthy. I love those things I am never giving that up. But this mental battle I am in, is destorying the fun I was having. I don't enjoy it anymore. But I cant stop. I wont give up. I am losing myself.

Two years I have came so far. but I feel like I am going backwards.

It's Been a while

  It's been a while since I posted on this blog. Sorry bout that. Something that is bothering me, and maybe I am not the only one who feels like this so here it goes.

When I was at the doctor's last week, they took my weight. I was 190 pounds. I wanted to cry and scream, hey I am on my period, its bloat I haven't gained that much weight. And as the nurse puts in my data and records to why I am there for new medication and new blood work to check on my thyroid I just sit there trying not to cry. Then she asks how often I do daily exercise. and I look at her and I go 6 days almost 7 days a week for 45 minutes to an hour. 4 days cardio 3 days weights. And she gives me this look like oh really, so I pull out my phone and I show her the picture of my some 2013 when I was 296 pounds. And I go I have lost weight, I was 175 pounds I have no idea what happened. So the new main focus of my appointment comes to be about my weight gain, and me being OBESE.

The doctor comes in and shes nice and I tell her my fibromyalgia is worse, I cant take this Gabapentin anymore its making the burning nerve pain worse, I feel like my body is on fire. And then shes asks me about my weight. And I tell her its been two years, I have been eating clean and working out, the same stuff I tell the nurse. And she asks how I am gaining? and I am like no idea maybe its the medication maybe my thyroid is out of whack. So she orders blood work. Does some more typing on the computer does a check of my heart and stuff. and switches my fibro meds and puts me on a new anti depressant.

Then I am handed a paper about what went on during the appointment, and it says OBESE on it. patient is working out and eating right but still not losing weight. I feel defeated. I walk out thinking wow all that hard work I have done no one sees.

People will tell me oh you've gained muscle that's all it is. But its actually a 10 pound difference. And while muscle weights more than fat, I know its not muscle. There is nothing else to cut out, or I'll be staving myself. which part of me feels like that is an option. Some people will be like its ok so am I. But its not ok! I'm working so hard to not be labeled Obese anymore. They aren't that fat little girl who has been picked on her whole life or been the ugly fat friend, because its a totally different perspective coming from me. Someone who has spent two years of her life working out, cutting out junk and changing her whole life style around to still be labeled OBESE.

Which makes me wonder if I will ever get to my goal. I stopped setting goals for my self since January because I can't reach them, my weight is all over the place. I'm eating 1350 to 1400 calories a day. I burn 350 to 600 a day depends on what I did to work out. burning calories losing inches but the scale is up and down all over and I have no idea why i am not losing weight anymore. I went from losing 3 to 5 pounds a month to nothing. for the past 2 months. longest plateau ever.

Its so hard mentally to know I worked so hard and have came so far that I am just labeled OBESE. And I see other people lose weight and I'm eating salads and not having any cheats and unhappy cause I gained back three pounds. a gallon and half of water everyday. I am doing everything right and nothing is coming off. its kinda devastating that I am doing everything I can to lose the right way and its no longer working.

It's put me in a bad place mentally. No one really gets it. some people try these new fads and they lose and then they stop it for a while a gain. but I am not on a fad. I am on a new healthy life style and I did it all on my own. I didn't take anything or get surgery. I did it all by myself and I feel less confident and like that word obese is tattooed on my forehead.

I can see all the comments about how I look great and Ive came so far. and I am not looking for those, I'm not even looking for anyone to read this or pay attention to it. I just feel out of place and sad. That I could work this damn hard and still have that word follow me around. The hardest thing I have ever done was stick with something for this long. Yet I feel like Ive mad a huge set back. And I don't understand where it came from, when I have been doing a lot more workouts, harder workouts. going to the gym. which I hate. not straying to far off my meal plans. doing everything right and not seeing any difference. or seeing the scale go down. It is frustrating. I'd give up but I am addicted to working out and I can't eat junk food cause it has just been too long and I cant justified the calories.

I go tomorrow for the blood cause I have to be fasting. and here is to hoping my thyroid is crazy so maybe its not all my fault. It would be different if I knew it was because I had been eating jack in the box everyday or skipping workouts. but I'm not. I don't understand why I haven't reached my goal. Or why its taking so long. I just don't get it.